Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a maddening passion for baked beans. He loved them, he adored them, he yearned for them. But they always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. Then one day, he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent to him that they would marry, he thought to himself, "She is such a sweet and gentle girl that she would never go for this kind of carrying on." Thus, he realized she might be embarrassed and humiliated by his addiction to baked beans. So, he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up his beloved baked beans. They were married shortly thereafter.
Some months later his car broke down on the way home from work. Since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk home. On the way, he passed a small cafe and decided to call his wife and tell her that he would be late for supper. As he entered the cafe, the smell of baked beans overwhelmed him. He still had several miles to go, and decided that he could walk off any side effects before reaching home. But before he knew it, he had eaten three large plates of baked beans.
Even as he left the cafe, the effects began to be felt. All the way home he putt-putted and after arriving, felt reasonably safe that he had putt-putted his last. Just as he reached his home, however, he felt a great rumbling inside and was seized with a terrible urgency. As he waited just outside his front door to release one last noxious output, his wife threw open the door. She seemed somewhat excited to see him and exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for dinner tonight." She then blindfolded him and then led him to his chair at the head of the table. He seated himself, and just as she was ready to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She made him vow not to touch the blindfold until she returned, then went to answer the phone.
When she had gone for the phone, he seized the opportunity, shifted his weight to one leg, and loudly broke wind. It was not only sonorous, but also ripe as rotten eggs. He took the napkin from his lap and vigorously fanned the air about him. Things had just returned to normal when he felt another urge coming on him, so he shifted his weight to the other leg and let go again. This was a true prize winner; it sounded like a tuba and smelled so bad that he started gagging. While keeping his ear on the conversation in the hall, he went on like this for ten minutes letting out powerful bursts that rattled the windows and shook the dishes on the table until he knew the phone farewells from his wife indicated the end of his freedom. He placed his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it, and smiling contentedly to himself, he was the very picture of innocence when his wife returned, apologizing for taking so long. She asked if he had peeked and he, of course, assured her that he had not.
At this point, she removed the blindfold, and there was his surprise. Twelve dinner guests seated around the table for a Happy Birthday party for him.
-- Scott Neader
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